Thinspirational ....................

 'Thinspirational' - is that a word? And what about 'thinspo'?

Never heard of it? Neither had I and I have been researching body image issues for the last 15 months -  but read on and all will be revealed as they say.

Just as I'm wrapping up all my evidence for my inquiry and thinking I've done all I can, I'm queuing in Sainsbury's to pay for groceries with my mum and as always the glossies are at the till to tempt you to buy them and  I scanned  along as I am prone to do  these days as a self confessed 'body- image' geek and  the front cover of  'HEAT' magazine immediately grabs my attention.......

'The scary rise  of the Anorexia poster girls'.

Inside: "Are these skinny stars being used to glamorise extreme weight loss?"

Inside the headline to the article reads, 'Young girls are starving themselves to look like this' , then there are recent pictures of Angelina Jolie, Alexa Chung, Ali Lohan  and Lady Gaga all looking distinctly 'anorexic'. The article by Isabel Mohan reveals that these celebs are being portrayed as 'the new poster girls for eating disorders and 'thinspiration' culture'.

As Mohan reports, 'There's nothing new about a celebrity being thin but when they're this thin it's shocking!'

Got to agree there! When I checked out a web-site for images of celebs as illustrations, I found a website that shows an A list of the top 10 celebrities who need a cheeseburger with the foreward.........................

             ' Hollywood’s skinny obsession is out of control. The emaciated look is fashionable, but most guys like some curves, breasts and something to hold on to. These women also make men’s lives miserable by being bad role models and setting unrealistic body image standards for our girlfriends. So if you see any of these extremely thin women, do us all a favour and give them a damn cheeseburger.'

Angelina Jolie was at the top of the A list of  ' Celebrities who need a cheeseburger' - she was also featured in this article and on 'thinspirational' web sites.

The article goes on to say that pro- anorexia sites have existed for a few years and this I already knew as I had discussed this in a previous blog: 'The size of problems women face' 26th January 2012.
In that blog I discussed an article about Dawn French's weight loss, and  several pages earlier in the same newspaper there is an article claiming "10% of teens visit anorexia websites". On such websites are pictures of ultra - skinny models and celebrities, such as Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie to boost motivation and encourage young people to follow an anorexic lifestyle. Mary George of eating disorder charity, 'Beat' says, "this encourages young people to follow the trend and is extremely dangerous".

In this new article, Mohan reports that,  'such web sites were considered  'underground'  and 'niche' but now worryingly anyone with a social media account can be exposed to these images even if they're not actively looking at them and nobody has the power to control them as photo-sharing and blogging sites found when they tried to ban users from posting only to find it would re surface elsewhere'.

 The article then goes on to report on 'THINSPO CULTURE'.

Last week pictures of Alexa Chung's legs brought the 'issue of 'thinspo culture' to the fore'  and looking at the pictures, I can see why, but what was the most worrying is that thousands of users posted comments on thinspo websites , many along the lines of  'inspirational'.  

Quite frankly, if you do have the stomach to check out any of these sites they are really 'alarming' and it is difficult to see how anyone would want to look as 'skelletal' as those images, but a person with an eating disorder is suffering from a psychological disease and they find it 'inspirational' and motivating.

Chung is a well known celebrity and successful and that is what they are also striving for. If she is admired  and flaunted on the front of magazines then the images have  an impact on young girls.  Many of the girls who frequent these sites are 'wanna-be's',  girls striving to be models, dancers, actresses. A person who is suffering from an eating disorder sees a distorted image of herself in the mirror anyway and will strive to be like the celeb in the picture no matter what warnings she has of the dangers. A consultant psychologist, Dr Cecilia d'Felice, comments to Mohan, 'Lots of people look up to celebs and will mimic them'.  

 Certainly if you compare her pictures in the magazine from 2008 with the ones from 2012 she is  disturbingly much , much skinnier.  Chung herself denies she's anorexic and  says, 'I don't want to be a pin-up for young girls just for being thin'. However, as Mohan reports , 'she is unusually thin and it's a look that most people would find impossible to achieve without starving themselves.'

Mohan asks the question: 'do celebrities have a responsibility to present a healthier image?'  

Mary George from eating disorder charity BEAT thinks they do according to the report. She says, 'Celebrities and people who are role models must think carefully about the messages they put out to young and vulnerable people. To someone struggling with an eating disorder these pictures are exciting and can have a serious impact on their recovery.'

Julia Buckroyd, author of 'Understanding your eating: How to eat and not worry about it' adds, 'If celebs continue to focus on diets and talk about how much or little they eat they will always be poster girls for the thinspiration sites.'

I agree. If a celeb or role model is caught stealing or doing drugs it is punishable in the media and models such as Kate Moss have been very publically sacked from top modelling contracts to make an example of them  but this would never happen for a weight loss or do others disagree? Certainly celebs have been sacked for being too 'weighty' but I could find no evidence that they were sacked for being too thin. Thin is revered in the celeb world and models who have this look are on the front covers of top fashion magazines.

The article also discusses Alexa Lohan (sister to Lindsay and aspiring model) who was also in the popular press last week with an 'extreme' skinny appearance but what Mohan , quite rightly in my opinion, reports is that disturbingly these were 'modelling shots' not just that she'd been 'snapped' on the street. They flaunted the boniest parts of her body, jutting hips and extremely skinny legs, bony chest and arms . At 5ft 8 ins she weighs just 6 stone which would be drastically under a healthy weight for her height. Again, you cannot recognise the same person in photos of her from 2009 where she looks extremely healthy. Mohan reports that, 'whilst her family are describing her recent weight loss as 'drastic' and 'concerning', fans on 'thinspo' sites are describing her new look as 'beautiful'.'

Other celebs 'snapped' recently with a disturbingly drastic 'skinny' look are Miley Cyrus, Victoria Beckham, Angelina Jolie and Lady Gaga. Many deny they have an eating disorder but as Mohan reports, 'whether celebs have an eating disorder or not, by being so visibly skinny they can be seen to be endorsing a body image that is unrealistic and unhealthy for most girls.'

They are criticized  by Mohan's report for flaunting their eating habits  on  chat sites such as Twitter.
For example,
Victoria Beckham tweeted a snap of her recent 'birthday cake' which was a plate of fruit.
Miley Cyrus, tweeted a snap of herself sniffing a bag of junk food with the caption, 'I can't eat it, so I'm just going to smell the shitttttt out of it. My mouth is literally watering!'
Lady Gaga who has always previously been associated with promoting  self empowerment ( see blog 'It's all a bit Gaga', 3rd November 2011) is reportedly 'scared of gaining weight' by insiders who know the singer. Lady Gaga has  23 million followers and came under criticism for her recent tweet comment, 'Eating a salad but dreaming of a cheeseburger - pop singers don't eat!'

These celebs are just a few who are being heralded as 'thinspos' to motivate others to lose weight. Are they really realistic role models? I decided to take a look at one of the 'thinspo' sites and what I found was really very disturbing and alarming.

Regrettably, I have to say 'thinspirational' is a word, it is defined as ' a set of images and quotes that are intended to motivate an individual on their quest to be thin'.   It does exist, 'thinspo' is thriving  and has thousnds of followers world-wide but in my opinion a very ugly word - a product of the digital age we live in where  the net allows us all  the  freedom to communicate.

What is alarming is that these sites are not controlled, monitored or even considered  part of the 'dark net'  (see blog, 'Welcome to the dark side', 4th November 2010) they are easily accessible by anyone on the 'free net'. In fact they advertise themselves as motivational and inspirational sites which do not promote anorexia or bulimia. Many quote that 'unhealthy methods of weight loss are not supported by this blog' but despite  internet policing, the dark side of 'thinspo' flourishes as I found to my dismay.

 They are social networking sites a bit like a blogger  for those who want to lose weight  - a sort of 'on-line' pinboard where girls post pictures of themselves and others make comments. A sort of 'slimming community' on line where they share their experiences, thoughts, opinions about weight loss and bodies. They blog about their 'diet diaries' and their progress in losing weight. The sites promote 'skinniness' above all else .  I didn't see one picture where you would describe the person as 'over-weight' - all were skinny.

'Thinspirational' sites refer to images of extremely thin women that are posted by social network users who come together to encourage each other to lose weight. Sometimes it’s as innocuous as photos of slender celebrities posted to encourage the shedding of a few excess pounds, other times the images are of dangerously emaciated women or are accompanied by “tips” for those suffering from anorexia or bulimia. Users argue that embracing 'thinspo' is a lifestyle choice, not an illness. 

Statement from one thinspo site, Instagram: “We believe that communication regarding these behaviors in order to create awareness, come together for support and to facilitate recovery is important, but that it is not the place for active promotion or glorification of self-harm,” Thinspo became a hot topic on Instagram last week when model Alexa Chung  posted a photo of herself and was attacked for being too skinny.  

A current search for “thinspiration” or “pro-ana” on Pinterest or Tumblr still returns hundreds of images and posts even though they have  been  banned .

Here are some examples of the pseudonyms used on the  profiles of these ordinary young girls;
'ineedtoreachit',
'skinny -soooooooooooooooon',
'only eatwhen necessary',
'superfluouslyskinny', and perhaps the most sad of all,
'i will be perfect................................. eventually'.

 You can tick to 'grade' a picture from a check list  :

'thin', 'thinspiration', 'skinny', 'perfect'.

This image appears on the website as 'thinspiration'.

It's a bit like 'Facebook for anorexics' (my description), users have a profile which is all linked to losing weight, their goals and aspirations and they put their answers to certain questions on their profile.
 For example; Definition of Beauty, Goals etc.

Here is the actual profile of one young girl ....................

Definition of beauty
'Audrey Hepburn.  Fragile, tiny, thin, her bones show. No one will ever compare but I can try and get that little'.

The number one in the list of goals listed to be achieved by users is;
'to look down and see a "0" on your clothing tag.'

There are images that show an emaciated girl with the caption, 'don't stop till you're proud.' Another with the caption, 'Be strong and get skinny!'

There is the most appalling picture of a young girl which I can only liken to photos I have seen of tortured Jews in Belsen and Auswitch in the Second World War, a girl who looks like a skeleton she is so emaciated and there are comments on the profile from other users such as ,
 'Worship you!',
  'I could turn off the tv and stop looking at magazines but that wouldn't change the fact that I want to look like this and be thinner.'

Some of the comments posted on the pinboard are horrifying:
'I look at thinspo like boys look at porn.'
'It went really well yesterday, I still had over 200 calories left at the end of the day out of the 500 I had allowed myself! Feeling proud!'  

 These are young, ordinary girls in their teens,  many  put on their profiles they are aspiring models, actresses or dancers.

I felt a mixture of emotions as I looked at that site (and there are many more like it if you put 'thinspiration' or  'thinspo' into google) - I felt angry and sick but mostly deeply sad. This is 2012 and what are we doing as a society? If I needed any further evidence that it is time there was something done about body imagery it was this !!! If I needed evidence that my inquiry has some relevance in 2012 then this is it!?

Someone in the BAPP community posted on my blog that research shows that 'dancers are comfortable with their bodies and don't have body image issues'. I beg anyone with that view to go and check out 'thinspo' it will turn you sick what the realities are for those who are affected directly by these issues! There is a picture of a 'dancer' doing a dance pose and you can see every bone, her stomach is concave and her face hollow and drawn.   

As  I wrap up my inquiry and finalise the presentation of my finidngs and conclusions, my findinigs today made me more convinced that further research needs to be done into body imagery and how the pressures to obtain an unrealistic body aesthetic  affects  the self esteem and lives of young women and for my inquiry, the lifestyles and well-being of  dancers and is very relevant in today's society, perhaps more so with our technical advances and our 'on-line' lives and the existence of 'thinspo culture'.  

Mohan's article concludes with a statement from equalities minister, Lynne Featherstone  MP: 'Women are surrounded by body images that bear little resemblance to reality and place pressure on us to look a certain way. This can have a crippling effect on self-esteem.  The government has set up a national body-confidence campaign to tackle the impact of popular culture on self-esteem and we're working closely with media and other industries to encourage more honest, diverse body images.'

A glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel maybe?

Mohan's final words, 'Where does it end?' I hope where the anti 'thinspo' sites win the battle:


'We  only have one body, lets love the one we're in,' (LIVELIFEHAPPY.com)


Lets make 2012 the year that the real revolution starts and as dance practitioners  become self empowered to resist the pressures to conform with body ideals and start to campaign for improved health education for all and change that embraces  realistic, diverse  and honest body images.


Dance training is intensely physical and the body needs to be strong and healthy, well-nourished and powerful to perform. Dance is ultimately about communicating and being a dancer is about learning ways to express our unique identities and we need to be our own person. It should be about quality and performance and not physical shape. A thin body should not be necessary for success it should depend upon personality, artistry, technical ability and the power of performance. It should be how the body feels , not how it looks and the physical sensation derived from the beauty that is 'dance'!!!!!!
Let us concentrate on what we love the most and that is  'dancing'!!!!!!!!! After all being happy is a part of being healthy. The mirrors we become so used to in our training do not reflect the beauty within our souls.
Let us finally reach that day when as dancers we don't worry about what we ate for breakfast today but be comfortable to 'dance as if no one were watching', be empowered to make our own choices and not judged for our outer beauty or body size as you will miss entirely who we are !!   

           

                                                                 
                                                 Source: google:Pinterest                             

References:

heat magazine  -  issue 677 ( 28th April 2012) - article 'Young girls are starving themselves.............' by  Isabel Mohan  (pages 7  - 13)

http://emilyrose91.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/size-of-problems-women-face.html

http://emilyrose91.blogspot.co.uk/2011/11/module-3.html


http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/arts-post/post/instagram-bans-thinspiration-pro-eating-disorder-images/2012/04/24/gIQAXLeaeT_blog.html


http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/thinspo

 
http://emilyrose91.blogspot.co.uk/2010/11/welcome-to-dark-side-well-it-is.html

http://www.spike.com/articles/lk5lci/the-top-10-women-who-need-to-eat-a-cheeseburger

Reflections from my journal......................

"Wine is made from grapes which is a fruit, doesn't that make it one of my 5  - a - day??", A full-english with chips,  Greek salad and tins of fruit cocktail  ................................. 

I have been poised with pen and journal over the last year, always observing and ready to make notes to reflect on myself and my fellow dance and performing colleagues, their training and eating habits in relation to keeping up a healthy lifestyle and healthy well-being whilst travelling and touring, always assuring them it was in the cause of beneficial research and would be reported in the best possible taste making sure I didn’t reveal names and pack drill.  As I try to tie up all the ends for this inquiry I thought I'd better share my findings based on the observations noted in my journal, how I tried to keep up a healthy eating regime and some of the experiences I noted  along the way.

First stop  –  Leicester Square and  Pantomine –

The very hectic schedule of 3 performances a day over the Christmas and New Year period meant there was not much time to attend classes, to work out and keep fit in between, the continuous late nights when adding on commuting time from the theatre back to digs after a late finish meant a lack of 8 hours a night sleep or any proper rest or relaxation, there was little to time to shop and plan healthy meals as I had to be up early to commute back to town in time for an early matinee the following day. It was during a very cold spell with sub-zero temperatures and lots of ice and snow around so there was a natural desire to want to eat warming, comfort food which was difficult to achieve in a theatre with no cooking facilities other than a kettle and only a tiny dressing room you shared with half a dozen other performers. Many of us were low paid too so buying warming healthy options could also be very expensive and so many opted for a “cheap – er” junk alternative from the abundance of  takeaways in and around Leicester Square where we performed.

I realised during the rehearsal period that the life of a performer on the road involves very long, irregular and unsociable hours which means it can be very hard to keep to any routine especially a healthy eating and exercise regime. As a dancer this involves physical endurance to learn, rehearse and perform dance routines so wherever possible one has to be disciplined to avoid injury or illness and try to stay healthy.

I knew from my food planning regime at college it was all about ensuring I planned all my meals and snacks for a few days in advance. I also always got off the tube a few stops earlier to meet a colleague and walk the rest of the way to the theatre and I always got there early to do a full warm up and workout before the performance. It does require a lot of willpower though and discipline and I found I was usually alone in my quest for the healthy grail.

I observed many of my fellow performers survived on cigarettes, alcohol, coffee and junk food. A slice of hot pizza, a pastie, pie, sausage roll or other fast foods were regular favourites to ‘fill a gap’. I tried to maintain a strict health regime as much as possible, buying salads and fresh soups and lots of fruit, fruit smoothies, yoghurts and slow release carbs to get me through the day. I went to the supermarket with a shopping list and plan of meals I could make and take with me to the theatre for the next few days.

It took extreme will power to resist the tins of roses chocolates, mince pies and other seasonal goodies that arrived every day for the cast to share. The fact I had to shoe horn myself into a Red Leather All in One cat suit every performance as Lady Gaga meant I had to have a certain level of restraint to ensure I was able to fit myself into it for the run of 7 weeks. I was conscious one strawberry cream too many could have tipped the balance.

My particular favourite ‘sin’ I have to confess to was Noodles with Stir Fry Vegetables from the Noodle Parlour in nearby Chinatown which I treated myself to on occasions when I wanted warm food or I had a jacket potatoe from a nearby deli with tuna and salad. I convinced myself this was hot and nourishing food as it was vegetables and I’d just done a performance for 2 hours and only had 45 minutes to the next show so needed the sustenance and it seemed to be the healthiest, quickest and cheapest option available.  I also made sure I only had this once a week as a ‘treat’. If I did ‘eat out’ with my co-workers I chose vegetable based dishes whenever possible from the menu.

I have to say my panto colleagues had a very relaxed approach to ‘body image’ and didn’t really have any ‘hang ups’ about weight or body issues  in the cast. They all pretty much accepted their own bodies, all though there was only myself and one other female in the cast and it seems males do not have the same pressures or hang ups in relation to weight and body issues although one male cast member said he had dieted and tried to lose weight for most of his life on and off.  I was the only ' dancer' too.

At first I have to admit I  felt under pressure from the others to indulge in all the chocolates and goodies that appeared , I was sort of branded a bit of a ‘party pooper’ but eventually they got used to me abstaining and accepted that’s how I was and stopped trying to stuff me full. 

I have tried to analyse the narratives used for the actions, choices and omissions and here are some I recorded in my journal during  panto (of course my colleagues were all quite ‘mad’ and seasoned comedy actors and drag queens so getting a sensible conversation going about anything wasn’t easy):

‘Oh it’s Christmas, I’ll eat healthily and diet in the New Year’.

‘I’ll work it off in one performance’.

‘I smoke because nicotine has zero calories’.

‘I smoke to reduce my stress levels – it calms me down.’

‘Smoking represses my need for food.’

‘The caffeine keeps me awake and alert.’

' Wine is made from grapes which is fruit, isn't that one of my 5 - a - day?'

‘Basically I just need a junk food fix – I’m starving, tired, depressed and hung over’.  

 ‘On these wages I eat all the free food I can get. Pass me that box of mince pies.’

‘I’m Italian of course I eat pizza all the time but I work it off the next day.’

‘I’m underweight so I’m lucky I can eat anything.’

‘Of course I know I should eat healthier but it would be rude not to eat the chocolates they were a present.’

‘Salad versus McDonalds – no contest!’

‘I walk in to work instead of taking the tube to counteract what I eat here’

‘I just do everything in moderation so I don’t deprive myself of anything.”
‘That’s why they invented panty girdles darling. If I put on weight ***** will just have to buy me a bigger frock!’

I realised from observing these performers that as actors they were less hung up on body issues than my experiences with other dancers.

 

Second stop -     training /rehearsing for summer contract.

The entertainment team met for a week in early April to set and rehearse the shows for our summer contract in the Greek islands. We rehearsed 12 hours a day and stayed in a nearby travel inn. We had no cooking facilities of any kind.

I realised during this week that travelling around by train and living out of a suitcase, constantly eating out means it is difficult to eat healthy and again I had to be really disciplined and plan to try and maintain a healthy eating lifestyle. I did go to the supermarket and buy cereals, salads, yoghurts and fruit to keep me going. Of course we were dancing for 12 hours a day, setting routines and so getting plenty of exercise but very little time to think about planning meals. Lunch was provided and was always the same cheese and ham sandwiches on white sliced bread which I ate because there was nothing else. I thought if I were organising this I would have had much healthier snacks and certainly used wholemeal bread and provided yoghurts and fruit too.

At the end of the day by 10pm you were too tired to try and plan a healthy meal especially as we had no facilities to prepare or cook food. Again I was under pressure from my fellow dancers, who didn’t seem to have any healthy regimes and snacked on crisps and biscuits constantly, to join them at McDonalds or similar, or I took a salad back to my room. I did always choose the healthiest option from the menu I could find – ie: the salad or vegetable option and avoided the fries.

When I discussed this with the other girls they didn’t seem unduly concerned. They all said they know they have to eat healthily and did under normal circumstances but for that week they would not bother because it was too much hard work with all the long hours and they were doing so much dancing it wouldn’t hurt anyway and they needed the energy.

One said, “I’ll have this this week and I’ll start a diet next Monday.”

Again I was shocked at how many of my fellow dancers in the team smoked. There were 16 of us altogether and only 4 didn’t smoke which I found incredulous when dancing and singing requires so much cardio vascular control and breathing technique. Again I noted many said they thought they could control their craving for food and stay thin through smoking as an alternative.

It was a common belief that smoking suppresses the appetite.

I was amazed to find when I googled the question why do dancers smoke that the following was the result - taken from an article in Dance Magazine,


"Why do dancers smoke despite by now well-known health hazards?


It makes sense that smoking and professional dance go hand in hand. First, smoking is a proven weight deterrent and many dancers fight a constant battle to keep pounds off. Besides being an oral pacifier, nicotine also speeds up your metabolism, an added attraction for dancers always looking to find an edge."

This sort of explains why many dancers do smoke but there are so many more cons to it that the pros but I think perhaps it is just another example of how far a dancer will go in risking her health to obtain the required aesthetic look of being slender.


There was no specific look amongst the girls , all were very different in height, weight and body shape - all were what I would describe as 'slim' but all I observed constantly fretted about what they ate and how it would affect them. Judgement day was costume trying on as some of the showgirl outfits are rather miniscule and there was a chorus in general of , "Oh God I really need to lose some weight before we fly!", "I look so fat in this", "I didn't realise I
was so big!", "Please be  honest with me and tell me how fat I really look in this !"

As always when weight and body shape are discussed I retreat and go suffer in silence in a corner. Being the one who is the biggest and with the curves,  I always wonder what on earth they must think of my size if they look in the mirror and see themselves as fat. This prompted a question when I was interviewing later on to a dancer  who had suffered from an eating disorder, and I asked the question , how does it make you feel when you see and hear someone who is really skinny saying,  'look at me and how fat I am ?!' Even doing this inquiry I have not yet built up the self - esteem to ask how I look in the costumes , I think I am still too afraid of what the answer might be!! That is one wound that is still too raw! This illustrates for me the deep effects negative remarks about body image really have and how they can affect someone pyschologically for a long,long time!! Many months later when I interviewed  my friend she agreed with me, it doesn't matter how many times you tell  yourself it doesn't matter, you are going to be physically and mentally healthy, those comments still cut deep and the insecurities manifest themselves under the surface!

 Corfu – April 2011-October 2011

During the first few weeks of working out in sunny Corfu we weren’t provided with food from the hotels as there were some problems and the hotel we were staying in at the time opened later than it was supposed to and the chef had not even arrived.

We were therefore buying snacks from the local supermarkets and relying on croissants and pastries for breakfast until I found somewhere that sold Greek yogurt with walnuts and honey. None of us had been to Corfu before and we didn’t know where to get the best foods for us at this point and most of the places were closed and preparing to open for the high season.  The places we were given workers discounts did not provide the healthy options, eg: full english with chips.

I tried to buy fruit and salads from one of the bars on the main street to keep up a healthy lifestyle and I bought cereal to keep up my fibre intake. There was a lot of bread and starchy foods available and that’s what the majority of the team ate along with smoking cigarettes and swilling coffee. We started to have a sandwich run where the singers went to a bar that served sandwiches so at least we were getting something more substantial other than snacking.

The first few weeks I practically lived on Greek salad so by the middle of my season out there I could barely look at one.  The other thing in  abundance in the shops which became part of my staple diet was tinned fruit cocktail  - I don't think I ever want to see it again - in the 6 months I was there I must have ate a mountain of the stuff!

One particular morning we had time to go get a proper breakfast from one of the bars along the main street so I chose to have a Greek breakfast which consisted of some different breads, eggs,  cheese and tomatoes,  yogurt and  honey with orange juice. The other dancers chose a full  English with chips and coffee and snacked on sweets, pastries and muffins for the remainder of the day – sweets were a popular choice as they give short, sharp bursts of energy and were cheap. Remember we were working a month in hand for our first wage too so euros were also in short supply for the majority.

When the hotels eventually opened it was a lot easier and we were able to eat better as our meals were provided as part of our contract  although a lot of the foods were very oily but that is the way Greeks cook their food and eat it. There were Greek options, Italian foods and English options with it being a very English resort but you had to be careful and watch what you ate otherwise you could have easily put on a lot of weight and there was always 3 courses.

Dependency on the provision of food at the hotels was a problem in trying to maintain a healthy diet as you were offered the same food as holiday makers who are prepared to be less restrictive to their diet on a fortnights holiday and so care and attention to  nutrition is not paramount. 

Most of the team drunk alcohol every single night and lived on chips and pizza and junk foods. The food and drink provided was free and so it was easy  to indulge in the treats. I suppose it was hard to eat healthily when the majority of the people in the resort are on holiday and everyone lets go whilst they’re on holiday, eating ice creams, pastries and junk food and eating more and indulging in things they don't normally when at home. I was conscious I was there for 7 months and if I ate like I was on holiday for that period I would have  put on weight.

One problem I did find whilst working out there was that due to our working hours at night, 9pm – 2am each night it is hard to fit eating healthily around this shift pattern in a very hot country  especially as you were performing a show for around 2 hours. Most places started serving food at 7pm and stopped at 9pm so it was hard for it to settle before a performance and after work there were  only a few fast food places still open, which were always packed with young people and most of the workers there, but eating at 3am most days plays havoc with your whole body clock and system and the choice mainly involved 'something' with chips, but after 2 shows the body was craving some nourishment. The box of cheerios back at my flat and the tinns of fruit cocktail had to suffice more than once.

I really struggled with my health whilst I was out there but, it was a very good learning curve for me for the next time I work abroad. I was ill a lot with viruses and my weight fluctuated  up and down, plummeting and gaining like a yo - yo throughout the whole season, I was plagued with mosquito bites and I suffered 2 or 3 times with water and viral throat infections. I live such a healthy lifestyle here in England that it really took it’s toil on me. It affected my skin, my body and my functioning, I was constantly tired and worn out. Whilst I constantly drank water to hydrate my body, I did try to exercise every day in addition to 10 shows a week which is not so good in all the extreme heat (up to  40C in June, July and August) and I suffered with quite bad fatigue by the end of August. I swam instead of my daily run because of the heat but felt tired all the time.

I struggled a lot  with the skimpy showgirl costumes because I was a curvy size 8 with large boobs. I couldn't afford to put weight on the costunes wouldn't have fit.  All the team were completely different in height, weight and body shape. The artistic director didn't have a specific 'look' she had employed. She said she wanted good, strong dancers with good technique and stamina who could cope with the requirements to do 10 shows a week of all different genres of dance.  But looking back at photographs no one stood out as being much different to the rest when we were in our costumes apart from hair colour etc.

One  particularly small and skinny dancer always complained she was putting on weight and that she was fat.  Most nights she'd have a comment like, "This costume won't fit me for too much longer I've put on so much weight whilst I've been here" or " I really will have to slim next week!" Of course the other girls responded by saying that she was silly and that she wasn’t. I personally thought it was  attention seeking for reassurance that it’s ok and an insecurity and a need for  support from people close but it reiterates the dancers obsession with body image. This girl was quite timid and didn’t like to be on her own, maybe she was just insecure and unconfident but she never did anything to change her body, she ate the same and would eat 'junk' but then complain to the others she was putting on weight.

I’m going back to work fanother dance contract this summer. I have set myself a goal to put my health at the top of my list of priorities this time round and look after myself better.  I am going to try and plan my eating much healthier and better. Maybe treat myself to an ice cream every now and again but try hard to keep my fruit and vegetable intake and healthy eating habits up  and ensure I don't 'burn out' by getting the correct amount of rest and not obsess about exercising too much.

All the girls admitted to having things about their bodies they wished were different, bigger boobs, longer legs, smaller boobs, being taller etc, etc and all had in their history felt the pressures of the industry on body image and all had at some time in their dance training or careers dieted.  In our dressing room discussions I was able to guage questions that would be relevant to my inquiry - most subjects naturally were discussed regarding body image - I think that is a natural 'dancer' thing .

We shared horror dieting stories .One admitted that she always wished she was like someone else and was tempted to try all the diets from the magazines but usually got fed up as they were starvation diets and she had to pack them in by the third or fourth day.  All had tried the egg diet , the grapefruit diet, the soup diet in attempts to lose weight quickly. I had to 'fess- up' that  at college I did succumb to the Special K diet and it made me illucinate by the end of the first week I was so hungry.

These sort of eating patterns are examples of 'disordered eating' even though none of us had suffered from either full-blown anorexia or bulimia. This was evidence for my inquiry - one commented, ' As a dancer you accept it as the norm.  "You just grow up with eating disorders all around you so it's nothing special and you tend not to notice until it is too late as everyone is so  skinny anyway ." 

 I think this illustrates what the academic reserach says , that everyone in the dance world has a different relationship with food  than the general population. All admitted to feeling guilty when they over indulged or ate 'forbidden' things such as junk foods and chocolate, and agreed that they were always promising themselves after a 'bad food' day to compensate in some way the following day or 'next week'. All thought after a 'binge' they could just work it off as they were dancers and did lots of exercise.

Even the waiters got in on the act, I remember one saying to me one day, "Are you really having pasta and bread? You should be watching your figure you're a dancer! You don't want to be putting on weight!"

I had similar comments one day when I ordered jelly for a dessert.

Most admitted to alternating between crash/extreme diets to try and lose weight quickly, for example for an audition or binging and not caring between contracts. All wished they could feel normal about eating and body image but felt that even non dancers feel a lot of pressure too. They felt in general thin girls got more attention from males too.

 All knew someone from their training or professional contracts  who had suffered an eating disorder and regarded weight issues as 'coming with the territory', or as one put it, 'an occupational hazard'.  One had known a girl at her college who was 'so thin you could see her bones'  and she hadn't had a period in 3 years. Another told of weigh ins and fat lists at her college.  Another had witnessed a teacher who constantly picked on a girl for her shape and size and often reduced her to tears in classes.

All knew dancers from their college days who had left the industry because they couldn't handle the pressures and some because they couldn't keeo their weight down.

All said they knew what was healthy and about their 5 - a day but that wasn't evident from their eating patterns or behaviours as observed. Many slept all day because they were so tired or hung over or both and ate just once a day before they performed in the evening.

All felt attitudes within the industry were too deeply embedded to change in the short term at least and most felt attitudes would never change because those in dance companies had to sell tickets and so they had an obligation to provide on stage what the public expects to see and that is 'skinny' dancers to conform with actresses on screen and models in magazines. They felt that in general a casting director would have who he wanted in any event, who had the 'look' he wanted.  The consensus was that the 'gatekeepers' of dance companies require dancers to look a certain way because this is what they have found to be successful for the company in the past. "There's no way they'll change their mind. Skinny is here to stay." said one.

The older girls of the team were more comfortable with themselves in their bodies. They had  learned to accept what they had been given and worked with what they had. I know older women still have battles with weight and body issues but generally speaking they seem to be more confident  and  accept what body shape they’ve got. The older, experienced members of the team also said they had settled into knowing their casting bracket and were happy not being overly ambitious anymore but accepting and enjoying what they were doing.  Many were in stable personal relationships and they said this helped their self esteem and confidence too.  The older girls felt that they had found their 'niche' where they could work as a dancer, which is what they loved to do,  and were happy to accept that. As one put it, "This is not exactly working on Broadway or Royal Ballet but I'm dancing every day and getting paid for it, it's better than waiting tables or selling shoes back home which would probably be my alternative."

None of my fellow team mates went to open cast auditions. We all agreed they are like 'cattle calls', they keep you waiting , queuing for hours, herd you in  and look you up and down like prize cows. Hundreds  of dancers are asked to walk across the floor of the studio, where many are then asked to leave, after all your years of professional training, these  'rejected' dancers don't get to audition and dance because they don't  have the right “look.” All dancers are acutely aware of this and many hate having to put themselves through it. I was relieved to know that I was not the only one who felt this way. My own experience of the audition circuit meant I met and chatted to many dancers with the same disillusionment.

It was very useful to chat to the girls I worked with about all the issues that were pertinent to my inquiry as not only was it giving me useful information and data,  it helped me shape the questions I needed to ask of other practitioners  on the questionnaire and how and where I needed to focus the questions. All had trained at vocational establishments  from different areas if the UK and all had different levels of professional experience as a dancer.  All knew why I asked so many questions all the time and all were happy to give their opinions and share their experiences  -  as with all participants in my inquiry - I gave them my assurance that their anonymity and confidentiality would be protected. All were happy to be involved in the inquiry and many have continued to follow the blog and comment to me on various issues raised over the course of the inquiry.

My observations and experiences from my professional practice illustrated to me that my inquiry is important - new research needs to be done regarding body image issues for dancers as there is still a problem today and it does not just affect the world of ballet it is in all genres of dance. One thing I was certain of was that dancers do live in a world where they are very body conscious and obsessive about body image  -  some are not bothered about ordering a full english with chips but then they feel guilty about it all day, others just don't eat at all, but we do all conform either consciously or sub-consciously to what we think the profession, our peers and our audience expects!  

Dancing on my Grave...........

an autobiography by Gelsey Kirkland (1986)

Finally this  week saw me  finish reading this autobiography. I actually started reading it in the summer as background information and from a personal interest point of view for my inquiry question  but  time constraints with work and travel and all the other articles and literature I was ploughing through simultaneously,  I didn't get to read it in its entirety till now but finishing it I can say  it was really useful as an insight from a dancers own point of view and a very honest account of the pressures faced by a professional ballerina and how that can manifest itself in life threatening behaviours and health issues. 

Now I've managed to finally finish the book I thought I would do a quick review for the blog as I do quote from the book as evidential in my final critical review of my inquiry question and it may be of some interest to any others out there in the BAPP community who are studying body image issues  or those who just have a passion for dance.  If nothing else it is valuable as a wake-up call for the dance world and any young dancer  of the terrible consequences that can happen as a result of eating disorders and drugs.

 "Dancing on My Grave" is the first of two autobiographies of one of America's most celebrated ballerinas, Gelsey Kirkland, who is possibly best known for her role of Clara thanks to the filmed production of "Baryshnikov's Nutcracker." It is a very personal and brutally honest account of her own (very sad in places) story of a dream which became a heartbreaking nightmare.

The book is co-written by her then husband Greg Lawrence, and chronicles her  startling memoires of her  artistic transformation from George Balanchine's "baby ballerina" to one of the most acclaimed ballerinas in her generation.  It is a passionate, detailed  account of her struggle with her personal demons to achieve her dream of artistic perfection. 

Controversial  upon its initial release, Kirkland's memories may be surprising to some,  her legendary partnership with Baryshnikov was not all smiles and glamour, and her New York City Ballet years showcase a negative look at the unofficial founder of American ballet, George Balanchine . The majority of the book discusses her dancing years and mind set, her struggles with body image issues including anorexia and bulimia, self harming, plastic surgeries and her final fall from grace and battle with a cocaine addiction.

 "Dancing on My Grave" is written in an easy, conversational manner,  but often she  also mercilessly describes the life of a dancer, including the obstacles she  in particular had to face.

She was pretty much excommunicated from much of the dance community after publication of her book, being criticised for self pity, lies, over-exaggeration, having a lack of confidence, having insecurities etc but at least she had the courage to speak out at a time when it was an almost 'forbidden', unspoken topic in the dance world  and told the truth from her own perspective as she felt it and saw it. This doesn't mean it was un biased but I think this is a warning voice that this is how the pressures put on a young dancer can manifest into very damaging health and psychological issues. For Kirkland the consequences were horrible and almost fatal.

From the earliest age she always felt she could not please anyone and this eventually led to a spiral of self destruction.........................

She was born in 1952  to father Jack, a playwright, and Nancy, an actress, in  Pennsylvania, U.S.A.  She also had an older sister, Johanna, the favourite. This favouritism, in addition to her demanding and alcoholic father,  her own perfectionism and desperation to achieve would lead to problems in the future. Johanna started attending the School of American Ballet and Gelsey started soon after, starting an intense rivalry between the sisters. As a student she was incredibly dedicated - a workaholic some say. When she first started attending the school she was not very flexible at all and worked on her stretching like crazy to achieve the flexibility required of a ballet dancer. She also took extra ballet classes and worked as a model, something she hated, to pay for the classes, and later on quit high school so she could dance more. At just fifteen years old George Balanchine asked Gelsey  to join the New York City Ballet, and two years later she was promoted to Soloist. At this time Balanchine created his new Firebird with her as the lead. Although Firebird was not a success there was much praise for Gelsey.

Her description of the ballet world is of an abusive world of eating disorders, verbal harassment, fierce competition, and injured, fatigued, and malnourished dancers. 

She had always been very concerned about her looks and underwent several plastic surgeries  to improve her onstage 'line'. She had her earlobes trimmed and her nose reduced, and silicone implants in her lips and breasts.
 She was also anorexic and  bulimic and addicted to cocaine.
 Finally she eventually collapsed due to nervous exhaustion and a potassium deficiency and was forced to stop dancing.

In the book, Kirkland reinforces how influential a role model or teacher can be on a dancer. She was prepared to go to any lengths to please Balanchine and this included starvation, taking amphetamines  and cosmetic surgery in her desire to meet his ideal.   

She idolized him and made him out to be a kind of father figure. She states ,'His word was holy', his monopoly on taste and creative control was absolute  and the dancers' devotion to him made them dependant on him for ideas and psychological motivation. She was  extremely dependent on him as an authority figure and struggled to think for herself and be self-reliant such was her dependency on his every word and every aspect of her existence. He was so influential and so frightening no one would have dared to question him. She knew too well if she did she would have been out of the company. 

  

 Although  she weighed less than 100 pounds at the time, Mr. Balanchine was not satisfied. He stopped a class to inspect her body, thumped on the bones of her chest and said: “Must see the bones. Eat nothing.”

She describes his desire to give all his dancers through his training the endownments of his muse, Susanne Farrell,  and "he  demoralised each female dancer in her despair that she did not look like someone else".

I think a real interesting quote from the beginning of the book is, " I was speechless for months as a child. Isn't it funny I  would make a career out of being seen but not heard ”, as if she felt she was always worthless, that she didn't have a voice, she was always controlled by others.

What happened to her , whether partly as a result of her own insecurities and obsessive personality as many in the ballet world would like to advocate , it cannot be under stressed that it can be equally attributable  to the influences and subsequent consequences of the pressures put upon her in her young life to conform to certain ideals  and she was constantly unhappy in trying to obtain an unrealistic and utopian ideal in order to please others.

Whatever the ballet world wants to say about Gelsey Kirkland and the rights and wrongs of her 'kiss and tell' autobiography, it cannot be denied that Balanchine is responsible for the current aesthetic 'skinny' look attributable to western ballet dancers, he promoted the skeletal look by his costume requirements and his hiring practices, as well as the treatment of his dancers.

What happened to her was nothing short of miraculous that she survived and a result of her determination, single-mindedness and her heart to continue and survive -  she was at many stages of her career 'Dancing on her own grave'  - despite numerous dance injures, anorexia , a severe drug addiction and all the damage it was doing to her body, she kept going and continued to dance and to perform. Many dancers who had done the same wound up unable to keep dancing and having to retire, or in the hospital, or dead. That is a very sobering thought.

It can never be measured whether, had she had support and been nurtured as a dancer, with her particular personality traits, it would have resulted in the same catastrophic chain of events or not, we can only speculate and there are those who say she was her own victim because of her own insecurities and obsessive personality  but certainly throughout the book she sees herself as a product, a result of many factors, including her own weaknesses and as a sad product of her own choices. What I think is encouraging is that she sees one of her nobler goals in writing the book as to make herself an object lesson for younger dancers.

I think the book is valuable as a source  of evidence to my inquiry from a dancers inside perspective and although  it is just one more book about this topic it provides  a reality of the horrific consequences that can occur in individual cases and that with other research is still relevant today. For many the dance world holds none of these issues but for others it can be a  life - or- death  issue  and as long as those risks are evident and keep claiming the health and psychological well-being and, in some extreme cases, the lives of female dancers, then as far as I am concerned, the warning voices can never be loud enough and that gives my inquiry a real purpose.   

Her own personal  message to young dancers is , " Look forward to hope and look beyond the mirror."

Reference:

Dancing on my Grave  - Gelsey Kirkland with Greg Lawrence, 1986.