Reflections from my journal......................

"Wine is made from grapes which is a fruit, doesn't that make it one of my 5  - a - day??", A full-english with chips,  Greek salad and tins of fruit cocktail  ................................. 

I have been poised with pen and journal over the last year, always observing and ready to make notes to reflect on myself and my fellow dance and performing colleagues, their training and eating habits in relation to keeping up a healthy lifestyle and healthy well-being whilst travelling and touring, always assuring them it was in the cause of beneficial research and would be reported in the best possible taste making sure I didn’t reveal names and pack drill.  As I try to tie up all the ends for this inquiry I thought I'd better share my findings based on the observations noted in my journal, how I tried to keep up a healthy eating regime and some of the experiences I noted  along the way.

First stop  –  Leicester Square and  Pantomine –

The very hectic schedule of 3 performances a day over the Christmas and New Year period meant there was not much time to attend classes, to work out and keep fit in between, the continuous late nights when adding on commuting time from the theatre back to digs after a late finish meant a lack of 8 hours a night sleep or any proper rest or relaxation, there was little to time to shop and plan healthy meals as I had to be up early to commute back to town in time for an early matinee the following day. It was during a very cold spell with sub-zero temperatures and lots of ice and snow around so there was a natural desire to want to eat warming, comfort food which was difficult to achieve in a theatre with no cooking facilities other than a kettle and only a tiny dressing room you shared with half a dozen other performers. Many of us were low paid too so buying warming healthy options could also be very expensive and so many opted for a “cheap – er” junk alternative from the abundance of  takeaways in and around Leicester Square where we performed.

I realised during the rehearsal period that the life of a performer on the road involves very long, irregular and unsociable hours which means it can be very hard to keep to any routine especially a healthy eating and exercise regime. As a dancer this involves physical endurance to learn, rehearse and perform dance routines so wherever possible one has to be disciplined to avoid injury or illness and try to stay healthy.

I knew from my food planning regime at college it was all about ensuring I planned all my meals and snacks for a few days in advance. I also always got off the tube a few stops earlier to meet a colleague and walk the rest of the way to the theatre and I always got there early to do a full warm up and workout before the performance. It does require a lot of willpower though and discipline and I found I was usually alone in my quest for the healthy grail.

I observed many of my fellow performers survived on cigarettes, alcohol, coffee and junk food. A slice of hot pizza, a pastie, pie, sausage roll or other fast foods were regular favourites to ‘fill a gap’. I tried to maintain a strict health regime as much as possible, buying salads and fresh soups and lots of fruit, fruit smoothies, yoghurts and slow release carbs to get me through the day. I went to the supermarket with a shopping list and plan of meals I could make and take with me to the theatre for the next few days.

It took extreme will power to resist the tins of roses chocolates, mince pies and other seasonal goodies that arrived every day for the cast to share. The fact I had to shoe horn myself into a Red Leather All in One cat suit every performance as Lady Gaga meant I had to have a certain level of restraint to ensure I was able to fit myself into it for the run of 7 weeks. I was conscious one strawberry cream too many could have tipped the balance.

My particular favourite ‘sin’ I have to confess to was Noodles with Stir Fry Vegetables from the Noodle Parlour in nearby Chinatown which I treated myself to on occasions when I wanted warm food or I had a jacket potatoe from a nearby deli with tuna and salad. I convinced myself this was hot and nourishing food as it was vegetables and I’d just done a performance for 2 hours and only had 45 minutes to the next show so needed the sustenance and it seemed to be the healthiest, quickest and cheapest option available.  I also made sure I only had this once a week as a ‘treat’. If I did ‘eat out’ with my co-workers I chose vegetable based dishes whenever possible from the menu.

I have to say my panto colleagues had a very relaxed approach to ‘body image’ and didn’t really have any ‘hang ups’ about weight or body issues  in the cast. They all pretty much accepted their own bodies, all though there was only myself and one other female in the cast and it seems males do not have the same pressures or hang ups in relation to weight and body issues although one male cast member said he had dieted and tried to lose weight for most of his life on and off.  I was the only ' dancer' too.

At first I have to admit I  felt under pressure from the others to indulge in all the chocolates and goodies that appeared , I was sort of branded a bit of a ‘party pooper’ but eventually they got used to me abstaining and accepted that’s how I was and stopped trying to stuff me full. 

I have tried to analyse the narratives used for the actions, choices and omissions and here are some I recorded in my journal during  panto (of course my colleagues were all quite ‘mad’ and seasoned comedy actors and drag queens so getting a sensible conversation going about anything wasn’t easy):

‘Oh it’s Christmas, I’ll eat healthily and diet in the New Year’.

‘I’ll work it off in one performance’.

‘I smoke because nicotine has zero calories’.

‘I smoke to reduce my stress levels – it calms me down.’

‘Smoking represses my need for food.’

‘The caffeine keeps me awake and alert.’

' Wine is made from grapes which is fruit, isn't that one of my 5 - a - day?'

‘Basically I just need a junk food fix – I’m starving, tired, depressed and hung over’.  

 ‘On these wages I eat all the free food I can get. Pass me that box of mince pies.’

‘I’m Italian of course I eat pizza all the time but I work it off the next day.’

‘I’m underweight so I’m lucky I can eat anything.’

‘Of course I know I should eat healthier but it would be rude not to eat the chocolates they were a present.’

‘Salad versus McDonalds – no contest!’

‘I walk in to work instead of taking the tube to counteract what I eat here’

‘I just do everything in moderation so I don’t deprive myself of anything.”
‘That’s why they invented panty girdles darling. If I put on weight ***** will just have to buy me a bigger frock!’

I realised from observing these performers that as actors they were less hung up on body issues than my experiences with other dancers.

 

Second stop -     training /rehearsing for summer contract.

The entertainment team met for a week in early April to set and rehearse the shows for our summer contract in the Greek islands. We rehearsed 12 hours a day and stayed in a nearby travel inn. We had no cooking facilities of any kind.

I realised during this week that travelling around by train and living out of a suitcase, constantly eating out means it is difficult to eat healthy and again I had to be really disciplined and plan to try and maintain a healthy eating lifestyle. I did go to the supermarket and buy cereals, salads, yoghurts and fruit to keep me going. Of course we were dancing for 12 hours a day, setting routines and so getting plenty of exercise but very little time to think about planning meals. Lunch was provided and was always the same cheese and ham sandwiches on white sliced bread which I ate because there was nothing else. I thought if I were organising this I would have had much healthier snacks and certainly used wholemeal bread and provided yoghurts and fruit too.

At the end of the day by 10pm you were too tired to try and plan a healthy meal especially as we had no facilities to prepare or cook food. Again I was under pressure from my fellow dancers, who didn’t seem to have any healthy regimes and snacked on crisps and biscuits constantly, to join them at McDonalds or similar, or I took a salad back to my room. I did always choose the healthiest option from the menu I could find – ie: the salad or vegetable option and avoided the fries.

When I discussed this with the other girls they didn’t seem unduly concerned. They all said they know they have to eat healthily and did under normal circumstances but for that week they would not bother because it was too much hard work with all the long hours and they were doing so much dancing it wouldn’t hurt anyway and they needed the energy.

One said, “I’ll have this this week and I’ll start a diet next Monday.”

Again I was shocked at how many of my fellow dancers in the team smoked. There were 16 of us altogether and only 4 didn’t smoke which I found incredulous when dancing and singing requires so much cardio vascular control and breathing technique. Again I noted many said they thought they could control their craving for food and stay thin through smoking as an alternative.

It was a common belief that smoking suppresses the appetite.

I was amazed to find when I googled the question why do dancers smoke that the following was the result - taken from an article in Dance Magazine,


"Why do dancers smoke despite by now well-known health hazards?


It makes sense that smoking and professional dance go hand in hand. First, smoking is a proven weight deterrent and many dancers fight a constant battle to keep pounds off. Besides being an oral pacifier, nicotine also speeds up your metabolism, an added attraction for dancers always looking to find an edge."

This sort of explains why many dancers do smoke but there are so many more cons to it that the pros but I think perhaps it is just another example of how far a dancer will go in risking her health to obtain the required aesthetic look of being slender.


There was no specific look amongst the girls , all were very different in height, weight and body shape - all were what I would describe as 'slim' but all I observed constantly fretted about what they ate and how it would affect them. Judgement day was costume trying on as some of the showgirl outfits are rather miniscule and there was a chorus in general of , "Oh God I really need to lose some weight before we fly!", "I look so fat in this", "I didn't realise I
was so big!", "Please be  honest with me and tell me how fat I really look in this !"

As always when weight and body shape are discussed I retreat and go suffer in silence in a corner. Being the one who is the biggest and with the curves,  I always wonder what on earth they must think of my size if they look in the mirror and see themselves as fat. This prompted a question when I was interviewing later on to a dancer  who had suffered from an eating disorder, and I asked the question , how does it make you feel when you see and hear someone who is really skinny saying,  'look at me and how fat I am ?!' Even doing this inquiry I have not yet built up the self - esteem to ask how I look in the costumes , I think I am still too afraid of what the answer might be!! That is one wound that is still too raw! This illustrates for me the deep effects negative remarks about body image really have and how they can affect someone pyschologically for a long,long time!! Many months later when I interviewed  my friend she agreed with me, it doesn't matter how many times you tell  yourself it doesn't matter, you are going to be physically and mentally healthy, those comments still cut deep and the insecurities manifest themselves under the surface!

 Corfu – April 2011-October 2011

During the first few weeks of working out in sunny Corfu we weren’t provided with food from the hotels as there were some problems and the hotel we were staying in at the time opened later than it was supposed to and the chef had not even arrived.

We were therefore buying snacks from the local supermarkets and relying on croissants and pastries for breakfast until I found somewhere that sold Greek yogurt with walnuts and honey. None of us had been to Corfu before and we didn’t know where to get the best foods for us at this point and most of the places were closed and preparing to open for the high season.  The places we were given workers discounts did not provide the healthy options, eg: full english with chips.

I tried to buy fruit and salads from one of the bars on the main street to keep up a healthy lifestyle and I bought cereal to keep up my fibre intake. There was a lot of bread and starchy foods available and that’s what the majority of the team ate along with smoking cigarettes and swilling coffee. We started to have a sandwich run where the singers went to a bar that served sandwiches so at least we were getting something more substantial other than snacking.

The first few weeks I practically lived on Greek salad so by the middle of my season out there I could barely look at one.  The other thing in  abundance in the shops which became part of my staple diet was tinned fruit cocktail  - I don't think I ever want to see it again - in the 6 months I was there I must have ate a mountain of the stuff!

One particular morning we had time to go get a proper breakfast from one of the bars along the main street so I chose to have a Greek breakfast which consisted of some different breads, eggs,  cheese and tomatoes,  yogurt and  honey with orange juice. The other dancers chose a full  English with chips and coffee and snacked on sweets, pastries and muffins for the remainder of the day – sweets were a popular choice as they give short, sharp bursts of energy and were cheap. Remember we were working a month in hand for our first wage too so euros were also in short supply for the majority.

When the hotels eventually opened it was a lot easier and we were able to eat better as our meals were provided as part of our contract  although a lot of the foods were very oily but that is the way Greeks cook their food and eat it. There were Greek options, Italian foods and English options with it being a very English resort but you had to be careful and watch what you ate otherwise you could have easily put on a lot of weight and there was always 3 courses.

Dependency on the provision of food at the hotels was a problem in trying to maintain a healthy diet as you were offered the same food as holiday makers who are prepared to be less restrictive to their diet on a fortnights holiday and so care and attention to  nutrition is not paramount. 

Most of the team drunk alcohol every single night and lived on chips and pizza and junk foods. The food and drink provided was free and so it was easy  to indulge in the treats. I suppose it was hard to eat healthily when the majority of the people in the resort are on holiday and everyone lets go whilst they’re on holiday, eating ice creams, pastries and junk food and eating more and indulging in things they don't normally when at home. I was conscious I was there for 7 months and if I ate like I was on holiday for that period I would have  put on weight.

One problem I did find whilst working out there was that due to our working hours at night, 9pm – 2am each night it is hard to fit eating healthily around this shift pattern in a very hot country  especially as you were performing a show for around 2 hours. Most places started serving food at 7pm and stopped at 9pm so it was hard for it to settle before a performance and after work there were  only a few fast food places still open, which were always packed with young people and most of the workers there, but eating at 3am most days plays havoc with your whole body clock and system and the choice mainly involved 'something' with chips, but after 2 shows the body was craving some nourishment. The box of cheerios back at my flat and the tinns of fruit cocktail had to suffice more than once.

I really struggled with my health whilst I was out there but, it was a very good learning curve for me for the next time I work abroad. I was ill a lot with viruses and my weight fluctuated  up and down, plummeting and gaining like a yo - yo throughout the whole season, I was plagued with mosquito bites and I suffered 2 or 3 times with water and viral throat infections. I live such a healthy lifestyle here in England that it really took it’s toil on me. It affected my skin, my body and my functioning, I was constantly tired and worn out. Whilst I constantly drank water to hydrate my body, I did try to exercise every day in addition to 10 shows a week which is not so good in all the extreme heat (up to  40C in June, July and August) and I suffered with quite bad fatigue by the end of August. I swam instead of my daily run because of the heat but felt tired all the time.

I struggled a lot  with the skimpy showgirl costumes because I was a curvy size 8 with large boobs. I couldn't afford to put weight on the costunes wouldn't have fit.  All the team were completely different in height, weight and body shape. The artistic director didn't have a specific 'look' she had employed. She said she wanted good, strong dancers with good technique and stamina who could cope with the requirements to do 10 shows a week of all different genres of dance.  But looking back at photographs no one stood out as being much different to the rest when we were in our costumes apart from hair colour etc.

One  particularly small and skinny dancer always complained she was putting on weight and that she was fat.  Most nights she'd have a comment like, "This costume won't fit me for too much longer I've put on so much weight whilst I've been here" or " I really will have to slim next week!" Of course the other girls responded by saying that she was silly and that she wasn’t. I personally thought it was  attention seeking for reassurance that it’s ok and an insecurity and a need for  support from people close but it reiterates the dancers obsession with body image. This girl was quite timid and didn’t like to be on her own, maybe she was just insecure and unconfident but she never did anything to change her body, she ate the same and would eat 'junk' but then complain to the others she was putting on weight.

I’m going back to work fanother dance contract this summer. I have set myself a goal to put my health at the top of my list of priorities this time round and look after myself better.  I am going to try and plan my eating much healthier and better. Maybe treat myself to an ice cream every now and again but try hard to keep my fruit and vegetable intake and healthy eating habits up  and ensure I don't 'burn out' by getting the correct amount of rest and not obsess about exercising too much.

All the girls admitted to having things about their bodies they wished were different, bigger boobs, longer legs, smaller boobs, being taller etc, etc and all had in their history felt the pressures of the industry on body image and all had at some time in their dance training or careers dieted.  In our dressing room discussions I was able to guage questions that would be relevant to my inquiry - most subjects naturally were discussed regarding body image - I think that is a natural 'dancer' thing .

We shared horror dieting stories .One admitted that she always wished she was like someone else and was tempted to try all the diets from the magazines but usually got fed up as they were starvation diets and she had to pack them in by the third or fourth day.  All had tried the egg diet , the grapefruit diet, the soup diet in attempts to lose weight quickly. I had to 'fess- up' that  at college I did succumb to the Special K diet and it made me illucinate by the end of the first week I was so hungry.

These sort of eating patterns are examples of 'disordered eating' even though none of us had suffered from either full-blown anorexia or bulimia. This was evidence for my inquiry - one commented, ' As a dancer you accept it as the norm.  "You just grow up with eating disorders all around you so it's nothing special and you tend not to notice until it is too late as everyone is so  skinny anyway ." 

 I think this illustrates what the academic reserach says , that everyone in the dance world has a different relationship with food  than the general population. All admitted to feeling guilty when they over indulged or ate 'forbidden' things such as junk foods and chocolate, and agreed that they were always promising themselves after a 'bad food' day to compensate in some way the following day or 'next week'. All thought after a 'binge' they could just work it off as they were dancers and did lots of exercise.

Even the waiters got in on the act, I remember one saying to me one day, "Are you really having pasta and bread? You should be watching your figure you're a dancer! You don't want to be putting on weight!"

I had similar comments one day when I ordered jelly for a dessert.

Most admitted to alternating between crash/extreme diets to try and lose weight quickly, for example for an audition or binging and not caring between contracts. All wished they could feel normal about eating and body image but felt that even non dancers feel a lot of pressure too. They felt in general thin girls got more attention from males too.

 All knew someone from their training or professional contracts  who had suffered an eating disorder and regarded weight issues as 'coming with the territory', or as one put it, 'an occupational hazard'.  One had known a girl at her college who was 'so thin you could see her bones'  and she hadn't had a period in 3 years. Another told of weigh ins and fat lists at her college.  Another had witnessed a teacher who constantly picked on a girl for her shape and size and often reduced her to tears in classes.

All knew dancers from their college days who had left the industry because they couldn't handle the pressures and some because they couldn't keeo their weight down.

All said they knew what was healthy and about their 5 - a day but that wasn't evident from their eating patterns or behaviours as observed. Many slept all day because they were so tired or hung over or both and ate just once a day before they performed in the evening.

All felt attitudes within the industry were too deeply embedded to change in the short term at least and most felt attitudes would never change because those in dance companies had to sell tickets and so they had an obligation to provide on stage what the public expects to see and that is 'skinny' dancers to conform with actresses on screen and models in magazines. They felt that in general a casting director would have who he wanted in any event, who had the 'look' he wanted.  The consensus was that the 'gatekeepers' of dance companies require dancers to look a certain way because this is what they have found to be successful for the company in the past. "There's no way they'll change their mind. Skinny is here to stay." said one.

The older girls of the team were more comfortable with themselves in their bodies. They had  learned to accept what they had been given and worked with what they had. I know older women still have battles with weight and body issues but generally speaking they seem to be more confident  and  accept what body shape they’ve got. The older, experienced members of the team also said they had settled into knowing their casting bracket and were happy not being overly ambitious anymore but accepting and enjoying what they were doing.  Many were in stable personal relationships and they said this helped their self esteem and confidence too.  The older girls felt that they had found their 'niche' where they could work as a dancer, which is what they loved to do,  and were happy to accept that. As one put it, "This is not exactly working on Broadway or Royal Ballet but I'm dancing every day and getting paid for it, it's better than waiting tables or selling shoes back home which would probably be my alternative."

None of my fellow team mates went to open cast auditions. We all agreed they are like 'cattle calls', they keep you waiting , queuing for hours, herd you in  and look you up and down like prize cows. Hundreds  of dancers are asked to walk across the floor of the studio, where many are then asked to leave, after all your years of professional training, these  'rejected' dancers don't get to audition and dance because they don't  have the right “look.” All dancers are acutely aware of this and many hate having to put themselves through it. I was relieved to know that I was not the only one who felt this way. My own experience of the audition circuit meant I met and chatted to many dancers with the same disillusionment.

It was very useful to chat to the girls I worked with about all the issues that were pertinent to my inquiry as not only was it giving me useful information and data,  it helped me shape the questions I needed to ask of other practitioners  on the questionnaire and how and where I needed to focus the questions. All had trained at vocational establishments  from different areas if the UK and all had different levels of professional experience as a dancer.  All knew why I asked so many questions all the time and all were happy to give their opinions and share their experiences  -  as with all participants in my inquiry - I gave them my assurance that their anonymity and confidentiality would be protected. All were happy to be involved in the inquiry and many have continued to follow the blog and comment to me on various issues raised over the course of the inquiry.

My observations and experiences from my professional practice illustrated to me that my inquiry is important - new research needs to be done regarding body image issues for dancers as there is still a problem today and it does not just affect the world of ballet it is in all genres of dance. One thing I was certain of was that dancers do live in a world where they are very body conscious and obsessive about body image  -  some are not bothered about ordering a full english with chips but then they feel guilty about it all day, others just don't eat at all, but we do all conform either consciously or sub-consciously to what we think the profession, our peers and our audience expects!