"Cruel to be kind?" makes a tough   
  cookie?

An old English proverb - “Cruel to be kind” – is to cause someone pain for their own good has it’s origins in Shakespeare’s Hamlet after he has berated his mother for her infidelity to the memory of her deceased husband [Hamlet Act 3, Scene 4, by William Shakespeare];

“I must be cruel, only to be kind. Thus bad begins and worse remains behind”.

Wiktionary definition: “Cruel to be kind” is to do or say something to another person which you believe to be for their own good, and will be helpful for them in the future, although it might be painful or hurtful at this moment.

       Retrieved from "http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/be_cruel_to_be_kind"

cruel (adjective)

1. causing or inflicting pain without pity

2. causing pain or suffering

kind

friendly, considerate, generous, courteous, gentle & not harmful.

So “Cruel to be kind” is ;

1)       to say or do something to someone that seems unkind but is intended to help them

2)       making a decision which seems to be harsh, but with the intention of it being morally     correct, or having a better outcome in the long term or

3)      sometimes you have to do something which appears to be unkind but you must do it in      order to get a good result.

Similar to the saying you have to do wrong to do right.

A bit like "sweet and sour"  - a contradiction of terms - cruel is to inflict pain and kind is not harmful so does it mean inflicting pain which is not harmful?

If someone’s “cruelty to be kind” is causing unnecessary hurt, isn’t that just counter productive ? This is my personal view.

However one of the outside practitioners I contacted to give an opinion on my line of inquiry reckons in this particular industry we have to be “cruel to be kind”. He is a professional dance teacher, agent and danced professionally himself.

His view is that,

“I guess I am still a little old school in my thinking. The nature of our industry is very very competitive quite simply because there are so few jobs for so many dancers. Although there are extreme cases of where things can be said, called and done that are not acceptable and I’m not condoning the points you have mentioned but I think given the nature of the profession that we need to be tough cookies. I think it’s very easy for people in today’s society to think that as long as you work and try hard then everything will be ok and I do believe there is a little bit of blame culture to our modern society, as in ‘if I don’t get the job then it’s not simply down to the fact that I wasn’t suitable, right height, hair colour, etc, no it’s probably because an old teacher of mine has affected me mentally when they called me a name, or made me aware in a non politically correct way of how hard the industry is! In the real world when you leave college and start auditioning you have to be mentally strong for the amount of rejection that you are going to get. And that’s not to do with the industry being out of date, its just quite simply supply and demand, there are so many dancers for so few jobs! It is a very tough thing to deal with going to audition after audition after audition and not getting anywhere, it takes a strong person to deal with that and to keep going and keep auditioning. How strong mentally do you have to be to take a year of rejection? And that’s just the reality of the profession.”

So a different view point - we should accept the cruelty as it is really kindness making us tough to cope with the reality of the profession? I still cannot agree - I think we all can appreciate how tough the business is when we leave college without having to have suffered the humiliation of constant degrading comments. There are other ways of preparing dancers for that reality. I actually think the constant negative criticism does the exact opposite and doesn’t help make us tough mentally to cope with a very competitive, harsh industry, it actually debilitates the ability to cope with further rejection. 

I think the fact that we "blame" the comments suggests they were made inappropriately and  affected the recipient in a negative way. Of course it is only natural when a dancer is unsucessful at an audition the first thing they are going to question is their 'weight' or the issue that has been an issue regardless of whether this has played a factor or not in the grand scheme of things. That dancer will always feel it is this that has let her down because she has been made to believe that all along by her peers. 

I think we should all treat others the way we want to be treated ourselves and respect them for who they are. Shouldn’t we all have some expectation to be treated fairly? I think too many of us are afraid to stand up for what is right and hesitate to defend someone who is suffering. I think rudeness is often used as an excuse by people who don't care about other people’s feelings. It always seems to me to be a choice not to better other people but to validate horribly rude behaviour and make the brutal one feel virtuous for doing so.

 Being rude tends to inflate the ego which only grows if not checked – it empowers a person and gives them power.  Many times, rude children grow up to be rude adults unless someone adjusts their attitudes.  Some people get away with being rude their whole lives.  "If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen" is probably the most famous proverb used by rude people.

 

Being rude comes from a condescending mind set and has become very popular these days.  Simon Cowell makes a living from giving his rude remarks to hopeful singers and the people who watch are ‘entertained’ as people are publically humiliated. Why is seeing the death of a dream entertaining to anyone? It is so obvious they hand pick so many people from the auditions who he can ridicule. His rudeness is so choreographed for ‘entertainment’ value.

One could say that it is simply part of professional competition. However the most respected professionals in the business have turned hundreds or thousands of hopefuls away but they did it with class and many times gave them direction to improve their talents or change career path. The rude, "in your face", attitude has become a highlight in many forums as opposed to calm reasoning and intelligent discussion.  Rudeness is often applauded but never, really respected. 

I discussed this with another dance practitioner, another teacher and she said,

“fI work closely with a lot of highly respected and successful people in the dance industry and I can tell you that some of them are good with people, and some of them are not, but no one looks up to the people who aren't, whatever their technical skills, experience and background.”

You can be honest while being sensitive to the other person's feelings. Honesty to the point of bluntness can become rude. You can be honest and still be polite. It's all in the word choices. Being honest is not an excuse to be rude.

This is why I question these methods and think they are wrong. Correcting someone or suggesting ways to improve can be done without destroying a person’s self esteem and confidence and without humiliation to the recipient. It is most often counter productive, the person merely focuses on the negatives. If someone is rude or insulting it is much harder to get the point across no matter how good or useful it may be. The recipient will not really listen to the point and that is then detrimental to everyone.

Communication is all about the message that we wish to send. That which helps communication is helpful and that which hinders communication is not helpful. As far as I see it, rudeness distracts the recipient from the real points that you are trying to make and therefore it is not effective. Rudeness dwells in being right while politeness dwells in being effective. Being rude is only hindering the cause of what you are trying to say and achieve.

Constructive criticism is to critique an individual so they will benefit or improve. In dance this can be to increase the dancers knowledge and improve performance. We can say a lot of things without being offensive - it's called tact. We can consider our words before we speak and how they may impact on the recipient.

A teacher can encourage students to learn and develop mastery while they also develop positive self-esteem and remain passionate about dancing. The ability of a dancer to master a particular skill or technique depends on many factors but their growth as a dancer must surely be more productive in an environment that facilitates learning and appropriate feedback and a sense of joy and purpose. I don’t think this gives any young dancer a ‘false’ expectation on entry to the industry if the message is communicated appropriately and constructively. Constructive criticism should address an area that needs improving but does not speak to the person’s self. It should be a reasoned, unemotional response in an effort to teach. It tends to be far more helpful than a blunt critique of a student’s defects and a personal attack.

I found this quote which I think perfectly sums up:

"Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots."

                                                                                          [Frank A. Clark, writer 1911]